Not for the Faint of Heart

Do we really trust God to be faithful to His promises?

Even when life takes a detour, our posture and realization must be that we aren’t deserving of any good thing, but it is because of our Father’s grace that He withholds no good thing from us. It is because of His mercy that He withholds the punishment we truly deserve. When disappointments come, the real goal of our heavenly Father is to break our hearts completely so that He can get at the part of us that we hide from everyone. That is the part that needs healing – the part that changes us when we allow Him to touch it. But it’s that part of us that we don’t want him to touch.

I expected a baby from my pregnancy, but God had a different plan. He desired to use the pregnancy as an avenue to reach the part of me that I was holding in hiding – my brokenness. I had a long journey to reach the point of understanding this...

I think that I was in shock after we got the official word of our miscarriage. I went home and got Elijah and I ready for bed, like I normally would. After lying in bed for hours, trying to go to sleep, and running the events of the day through my head a million times, I finally slept a few precious hours. Awaking to the alarm, I got up and dressed for work, like any normal day. I thought pretending like nothing happened would make me feel normal. “If I can just stay busy with the kids today,” I thought as I walked out the door. And it worked, for a while. Even when my dear husband brought me flowers to ease my pain, I held it together. I couldn’t let the kids see me cry…

I had gotten some insight from precious friends who had already gone down this road before me, and I was told to prepare for things to get worse. And they were right. That night, I lay on the couch and timed contractions, as my body prepared to deliver my hope deferred. I went to bed and awoke just before one, as the contractions became too great to sleep through. I revisited my Lamaze breathing as the pain increased and I moved from the bathroom to the bedroom floor, trying to find the most comfortable position. I stayed quiet. Thankfully, my husband had fallen asleep on the couch, and my sweet boy was sound asleep as well. I was allowed the dignity to go through this alone. Around 2:15 AM, I sat in the bathroom, clutching the side of the tub with white knuckles. Between contractions, I prayed. Even in that moment, as I sat in a cold sweat, about to pass out; I felt His presence. Just when I thought I couldn’t handle any more, my water broke, and the contractions stopped. This is definitely the part of miscarriage that makes the loss most painful – all the work of labor, and nothing to show for it, except a mess. Freezing cold, I cleaned up as best I could, got Patrick, and went to bed, trying desperately to get warm. I slept awhile, and bolted out of bed at 4:45 and ran to the bathroom, feeling something was wrong. It was then that I delivered the remnants of the pregnancy. It was over. The pregnancy had started so normally, yet I never would have guessed that it would end this way. I showered and had time to paint my nails before I went to work that day. Strangely, that simple act – painting my nails – made me feel somewhat normal.

I give such great detail of my experience because I feel that women often feel so alone through a miscarriage, and are ill-prepared for what they will experience. My prayer is that through my frank honesty, that it will help at least one person know they aren’t alone.

I don’t pretend to know why this happened to our family, or why it happens to anyone, but I do know that my God is faithful and good. He has never left me, and continues to heal my heart through this painful experience. I know that, because I have allowed it, my heart is more open, and I have a freedom that I’ve never known before. He has filled me with a confidence that only comes through complete transparency with Him.

I have learned that when disappointment comes – and it will come - if I allow God to touch my pain and heal my heart, He is glorified in a new way in my life. He is able to heal my heart if I surrender my hurt to Him.

Grace Is Enough

I start this post having a lot to say, so I may have to break this up. Over the past few months, I've had some serious highs and lows. I feel like I should give a little background, in order for this to serve its true purpose.

I started this blog a few months ago, after God really putting it on my heart to start sharing the things He had put in me. So, really this blog was created before I was truly inspired as to what I should write about. I just knew that God had spoken, and I started this. Nothing more. The amazing thing is that He knew I would need this long before I did.

I had come to a place of needing to contribute more to others, and not isolate myself so much. I have been burned in relationships more than a few times, and I felt God urging me that it was time to open myself up to others more. I realized that in order to really live, I needed to make myself more available to the people God put in my life. Terrifying, for sure, when my greatest fear is another betrayal. But God has brought me to a place of absolute brokenness in the past few months, and I realize, so often, when life reaches a detour, I tend to shut myself off from others. I feel like they may not understand how we handle our misfortune and judge or hurt my family or me. At this juncture, I am not sure I care any more what people think. I love people and want real relationships, and I'm willing to pay the high price and leave myself completely open. I also know that this is what God requires of me to gain the healing I desperately need right now.

So here is my story...

In October, we received the happy news that we would be expanding our family! Having another baby was something God really put in my heart, because I was very happy with our family as it was. Most of you already know this, because Patrick was so excited he couldn't keep it to himself. This pregnancy has been easy...I didn't have morning sickness; just very tired. Every day that I woke up and wasn't sick, I praised God. I felt like He knew I have a pretty full plate in this season. To me, this baby has been a huge step of faith. In the natural, this does not look like the most perfect time to have a baby, but I took a leap, believing God has us and will never fail us. I felt God say to me that this was the child of His grace.

We had a perfect ultrasound on Oct. 26, which was almost 7 weeks along. Our nurse practitioner said the heartbeat was strong and the rate was perfect! So excited about our new little peanut. I still couldn't believe this was happening! We have been very blessed, because getting pregnant was never hard for us, and we have so many friends we've labored to pray for babies for them, and they still have empty arms and disappointed hearts. When I pray, they are heavy on my heart.

On November 20^th, I awoke and got Elijah and I ready for church. It was Sunday, and we went for both services. Still feeling good, I went to church and worshipped – a normal Sunday morning. I didn’t think anything of the mild cramps I was having – just a normal part of a growing baby! Before we packed up to leave, I went to the bathroom and found blood – like I had started a period. Which, at eleven and a half weeks of pregnancy was far from normal. From there, we rushed to the ER, and spent the following 7 ½ hours waiting for some news. We desperately asked our nearest and dearest for prayer, but there were few who knew what really was happening – many of you are finding out as you read this. After the longest day I’ve ever experienced, we finally got an ultrasound and saw our little baby. I knew, though I hoped I was wrong, that there was no heartbeat. It seemed almost like a bad dream - if I could just wake up… The ER doctor told me that 1 of 7 pregnancies end in miscarriage. I guess that was supposed to make me feel normal – like I hadn’t just suffered a huge loss. Heading home was a fog for me. The only thing I wanted was to hold my sweet Elijah – my precious gift. I treasure his gentle spirit even more now than ever. I hold him differently; knowing he is such a gift and it is my privilege to love him for a little while.

There is so much more to my story. A lot has happened in the weeks since our miscarriage, and I will share it all as I can. My prayer is, by putting my heart and life out in the open, God will bring healing to my heart, and to the hearts of those who have walked this painful journey. His grace is enough!

The Right "Stuff"

It's been about 2 months since I've sat down to write...not that I've run out of things to say, but that life is happening so quickly that I'm having trouble keeping up. Let's see...quick recap...school is in full swing, and after a very bumpy and stressful start, we are moving along smoothly now and my classroom is operating the way I like it!

In mid-September, we took a multi-family vacation to Disney with some of our (including Elijah's!) dear friends. We had an amazing time, and it was a much needed respite after such a rough start to the school year. I enjoyed having the closeness of good friends to share priceless memories with, and hope that we can one day do it again.

After coming off of vacation, we moved into a season of busy laboring, and have been working without much rest since then. I can't believe Thanksgiving will be here in just a few short weeks...so much to do. In all of this busyness, I've really isolated myself, quite by accident, and have to make time to invest in relationships, not just spend my time doing "stuff." Where most people have to make themselves take a break from Facebook and Twitter, I have to make myself look at it! I find out through my very connected husband what's going on with friends and family. I really have to challenge myself to be "out there" more and know about the lives of the people we care about. It really isn't at all that I don't care, it's mostly that I get too busy with stuff and wear myself out before I get to the people in my life that aren't in third grade, or aren't 2 1/2 years old. Sadly all my relationships have suffered, but the very sad part is that I don't think anyone noticed anything different.

I recently told Patrick that, though I'm in a very busy and tiring season, I am believing that God has given me the grace to persevere through, and I want to make myself available for whatever is needed, or for whomever has need. Though most of the time I tear around in a hot mess, I still know that God has more for my life than constantly doing "stuff." I really have to challenge myself in this, because I LOVE doing the "stuff." I'm a task person. I love lists - especially checking things off that I've done! I live by my calendar, and I have an alert for every meeting. But, I realize that people don't belong on a list, and sometimes the stuff has to be laid aside to do the things that last. More of the things on my calendar need to be about investing in the people that God has graciously put in my life...and I'm getting there - a little at a time.

I'll try to be more digitally connected, but for right now, I have to make some relationships that count, and stand confident in the knowledge that what I'm doing does really matter. After all, isn't that what we all want...to know that we did something that will last long after we are gone? I know my students will benefit from my knowledge, whether they remember me or not, and my son is shaped greatly by the investment I make daily in him, but the thing I need to invest in is those who walk beside me - those unrelated to me but would miss my presence and uniqueness if I weren't there. I can never be too busy to invest in those relationships.

Grace to be Content

I've recently come to a place of new contentedness. As I mentioned in my earlier post, I have been struggling within myself to lay aside the desires I have in my heart, and let God have those things. I've been in a place of "carrying on" for awhile - just existing and doing the things I have to, and being very tired - for a very long time. So I felt a change was needed. I decided to start getting up early when school started back for me two weeks ago to get in some exercise. I knew if I wanted change, I had to take the first step. Now, in order for you to understand the significance of this decision, you have to understand that I HATE getting up early! I need a full eight hours of sleep to feel decent, and more than that to feel good! So, getting up at 5A.M. to get even 20 minutes of exercise is HUGE for me. I would daresay it is a miracle from God that I would WANT to get up that early! I've been faithful for two weeks now, and I would not say that I have a ton more energy, but that I feel more purposeful in the morning. It MAKES me have quiet time with the Lord, and in those times, I've realized that I don't have to have all of the things I thought I "needed" to change in order to be content. Really, nothing had to change except my heart attitude.

Being content comes out of my reaction to my present situation, as well as trusting God to take care of the dreams I've entrusted Him with. So, I'm trusting...again learning to be content in an ever changing season...believing that my heart's desires aren't forgotten. For now, I am blooming where I've been planted - giving my all to the tasks and people God has placed in my world for now. Even if life never seems optimal for what I originally envisioned, I know that God's plan is still exactly His best for me. My dreams don't have to be put on hold for my agenda to line up...I just need to step out in faith!

My recent journey has brought me back to what has become my life scripture; Philippians 4:12-13. It says, "I know what is to be in need and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. I can do all things through him who gives me strength." My whole life so far has been an intensive study in becoming content in any and every situation. Just when I think I have it...we have another lesson, harder than the last! I have decided that living a life content leads to a fullness that I could never have imagined.

A Nagging Feeling

Lately, I've been having this nagging feeling that something is about to happen. Not knowing whether it will be something I'll like, but likely something that will stretch me out of what I'm comfortable with...AGAIN. I'm actually here writing because of that feeling-the feeling that I need to do something.

I've recently found myself in a place where God has drawn me close, whispered profound sentiments, and then caused me to wrestle with His truth and His grace. I heard a wise man recently say, "Grace is power released through humility." I never thought of grace as something that was difficult to accept; on the contrary, I have always desired to walk in God's grace...much better than judgement, as far as I'm concerned. In order to receive this precious grace, I've been on a journey of relinquishing my control and pride in a truly humbling experience.

So often, I set lofty expectations for myself, that no one can humanly fulfill, and am completely let down when I don't achieve my goals. In a sweet moment, God reminded me that he expects nothing from me, except to love him. I have always wanted more- from life, from God, from my relationships- and I am slowly realizing that if I want a rich life, I have to lay down all of my expectations and receive grace. I know full well that I am not all that I was intended to be, but I am willing to make myself nothing that I might receive the grace I so desperately need.

In this season of laying aside everything that I know and am so comfortable with, I am daily finding my security in the arms of the One who asked for it all. If something radical is going to happen, a great leap has to take place. My great leap in this journey is opening myself up for all too see my blaring inadequacies, and allow Christ to be all that I am not. I know that the desires I am laying down for a season won't be left empty and unfulfilled. Faith simply requires that those things be laid down, so that God can do His work in this season. Relinquishing control is not simple for me, though! This is my daily struggle-to trust that the Creator of everything thinks enough of the dreams in my heart to fulfill them in His season. I have come to realize that great dissatisfaction comes from dreams unfulfilled. Walking in grace daily, I'm laying aside dissatisfaction, so I can be free to let God do what he wants for my life.

Throughout this journey, I'm going to be faithful to do the last thing God told me to do...write it all down and share it with whoever wants to read it. So, this is my story...follow it as I journey through grace.