Recently, my life has undergone yet another unexpected trial. I can’t believe it, but only three months after my miscarriage, we had become “accidentally” pregnant. It was one of those things I just knew from the week we conceived. I knew something was up, and I’ve been down this road enough times, I know what those subtle signs I was feeling mean. I even had the conversation with hubby that there was a good possibility that I was probably pregnant. So, I took a pregnancy test on Valentine’s Day, of all days, and it was slightly positive, but positive enough that I knew it was right. I told Patrick, and though it was unexpected, we were elated that God had seen fit to surprise us with a precious gift. I had been determined that the devil would not win this time, and so from conception, I started to bathe this unknown, uncertain child in prayers of protection, covering, and destiny. I didn’t let my feet touch the floor every morning before I put on the whole Armor of God. I spoke to the things that were not as though they were. On February 15th, I took another test, expecting a stronger positive, but the line was actually lighter that day. I thought it was a fluke, though it did leave me a little deflated. The next day, another test, a negative result – no line at all this time, but a late cycle still. Finally, five days late, the cycle ended with the start of a period – classifying this one officially as a “chemical pregnancy”, a pregnancy that miscarried early enough that most women wouldn’t have even known they were pregnant…I did.
Though, Patrick reassured me that I probably just shouldn’t have bought store brand tests, and that it was a false positive – 2 false positives - I knew in my heart, that whatever the test that I had been facing, there was still more that I hadn’t learned the last time. I knew that I had definitely been pregnant, because I have such strong symptoms from the very beginning.
Backtracking a bit, on Valentine’s night, I had two very vivid dreams, one after the other. I tend to pay attention to dreams like these because God sometimes chooses to speak to me through dreams…probably because I won’t shut up and listen unless I’m unconscious. The first one was disturbing enough. It depicted me once again having another miscarriage, farther along this time, but another loss, nonetheless. This I could have just dismissed as fear, but the next dream, and the strong message that came with it sealed it as my message from God. In this dream, I was driving my car, and while sitting in traffic, a scary looking thug came and opened my car door, pushed me to the passenger seat of my car and took off with me still in the car. He didn’t even offer to let me out before stealing my car! I was terrified in the dream. Completely surprised, and defenseless. But even as I sat in the passenger seat, I desperately tried to escape as he careened like a maniac down the highway. I sat there futilely pushing every button on the door of the car – windows, door locks, everything – of course, nothing worked. But I realized in a moment it wasn’t the car he wanted, and that dream wasn’t about my car – it was about my very life, and the life I so desperately desired to carry. The message I heard so clearly as the dream came to an end, was “If you would have let Me drive this wouldn’t have happened, because the Thief can’t steal from me. As long as you’re driving, there is nothing to stop Him from stealing everything.” God has used this powerful symbolism with me once before, so I’m familiar with the car symbolizing my life. The one who is driving symbolizes the one in control of my life, and the thief represents the devil himself. After praying over this, the Lord showed me even more, that, as long as I am in control of my life, there is nothing He can do to stop the devil from stealing the gifts He gives me. I was powerless to stop the thief from getting in the car in my dream, and was also powerless to stop the devil from sabotaging what could have been a beautiful blessing.
The root of the issue really lies with me. Like the children of Israel, wandering in the desert, I am constantly tested by the Lord to stretch my faith, and time and again, I doubt God’s ability to take care of my need or situation. So instead of relinquishing everything to Him, I “take care” of my valuables, those most precious things that I don’t trust Him with. I know that, throughout my life, monuments of His provision and faithfulness stand in testament that I should trust Him, but I always justify my control by saying, “But this is different. You’re too busy, and might forget. I’ll just keep it for myself.” What these moments testify to is my largest character flaw (that I know of right now, anyway!) that I don’t truly believe with gut-wrenching conviction that God is worthy of my trust to deliver…to save… to provide… to heal…to work miracles. I have contained Him, and in so doing, have made myself an easy target to be victimized by the thief. If I would’ve given Him control in the first place, the thief would have never even made an attempt to steal. It really is true when Jesus said, “Whoever finds his life will lose it, and whoever loses his life for my sake will find it.” Mat. 10:39. If I had let God have control of all the areas of my life, who knows how differently things might be right now?
The lesson I take away from this is that His strength is way bigger than I can credit Him, and I need to get out of the way and let Him drive. Instead of stuffing my frustration because things aren’t going “my way”, I need to lay aside my concern and give it to the One who can actually do something to change my situation. Instead of working myself into a stressed-out fit because my life doesn’t look the way I “planned” it to, I need to rip up the plan and get in the passenger seat and enjoy the ride. I am sure the real surprise will come to me when we arrive in a better place than I could’ve imagined, anyway. This sounds great in the metaphoric sense, but the hard work comes in living it out. It means for me, taking a moment when things make me crazy, to run to God with it, and throw it on Him. This means walking away from the stressful situation, either literally or mentally, and letting Him have, not only my emotions, but also the whole situation. When people don’t do what I think they need to do, it means examining my character and determining why it bothers me, then repenting for MY flaws, and surrendering the result to God. More and more, I see that I really have no control over anything, and I’m only shortening my life, and making myself miserable by taking ownership of too much of the end result. Moment by moment I live, running to Him with all that I have. Joys, sorrows, frustrations, desires, and disappointments - they belong to my Jesus, who has shoulders strong enough to bear the weight, and a mind to see the big picture. I’m willing to make myself a sacrifice in order to see real joy in my life – clearly that’s what He wanted when he said, “Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls.” Mat. 11:28-29
Whether all of this hard work will reward me with a healthy pregnancy and child, I don’t know. And I have to come to the place where it doesn’t matter. When all that matters is letting God have control of my WHOLE life, then I will be living in the fullness that He originally planned out for me, and in His fullness, there is peace and grace and joy. It does not depend on how many children or miscarriages, or pain, or hurt. He has to be ENOUGH.
