Not for the Faint of Heart

Do we really trust God to be faithful to His promises?

Even when life takes a detour, our posture and realization must be that we aren’t deserving of any good thing, but it is because of our Father’s grace that He withholds no good thing from us. It is because of His mercy that He withholds the punishment we truly deserve. When disappointments come, the real goal of our heavenly Father is to break our hearts completely so that He can get at the part of us that we hide from everyone. That is the part that needs healing – the part that changes us when we allow Him to touch it. But it’s that part of us that we don’t want him to touch.

I expected a baby from my pregnancy, but God had a different plan. He desired to use the pregnancy as an avenue to reach the part of me that I was holding in hiding – my brokenness. I had a long journey to reach the point of understanding this...

I think that I was in shock after we got the official word of our miscarriage. I went home and got Elijah and I ready for bed, like I normally would. After lying in bed for hours, trying to go to sleep, and running the events of the day through my head a million times, I finally slept a few precious hours. Awaking to the alarm, I got up and dressed for work, like any normal day. I thought pretending like nothing happened would make me feel normal. “If I can just stay busy with the kids today,” I thought as I walked out the door. And it worked, for a while. Even when my dear husband brought me flowers to ease my pain, I held it together. I couldn’t let the kids see me cry…

I had gotten some insight from precious friends who had already gone down this road before me, and I was told to prepare for things to get worse. And they were right. That night, I lay on the couch and timed contractions, as my body prepared to deliver my hope deferred. I went to bed and awoke just before one, as the contractions became too great to sleep through. I revisited my Lamaze breathing as the pain increased and I moved from the bathroom to the bedroom floor, trying to find the most comfortable position. I stayed quiet. Thankfully, my husband had fallen asleep on the couch, and my sweet boy was sound asleep as well. I was allowed the dignity to go through this alone. Around 2:15 AM, I sat in the bathroom, clutching the side of the tub with white knuckles. Between contractions, I prayed. Even in that moment, as I sat in a cold sweat, about to pass out; I felt His presence. Just when I thought I couldn’t handle any more, my water broke, and the contractions stopped. This is definitely the part of miscarriage that makes the loss most painful – all the work of labor, and nothing to show for it, except a mess. Freezing cold, I cleaned up as best I could, got Patrick, and went to bed, trying desperately to get warm. I slept awhile, and bolted out of bed at 4:45 and ran to the bathroom, feeling something was wrong. It was then that I delivered the remnants of the pregnancy. It was over. The pregnancy had started so normally, yet I never would have guessed that it would end this way. I showered and had time to paint my nails before I went to work that day. Strangely, that simple act – painting my nails – made me feel somewhat normal.

I give such great detail of my experience because I feel that women often feel so alone through a miscarriage, and are ill-prepared for what they will experience. My prayer is that through my frank honesty, that it will help at least one person know they aren’t alone.

I don’t pretend to know why this happened to our family, or why it happens to anyone, but I do know that my God is faithful and good. He has never left me, and continues to heal my heart through this painful experience. I know that, because I have allowed it, my heart is more open, and I have a freedom that I’ve never known before. He has filled me with a confidence that only comes through complete transparency with Him.

I have learned that when disappointment comes – and it will come - if I allow God to touch my pain and heal my heart, He is glorified in a new way in my life. He is able to heal my heart if I surrender my hurt to Him.