Grace Is Enough

I start this post having a lot to say, so I may have to break this up. Over the past few months, I've had some serious highs and lows. I feel like I should give a little background, in order for this to serve its true purpose.

I started this blog a few months ago, after God really putting it on my heart to start sharing the things He had put in me. So, really this blog was created before I was truly inspired as to what I should write about. I just knew that God had spoken, and I started this. Nothing more. The amazing thing is that He knew I would need this long before I did.

I had come to a place of needing to contribute more to others, and not isolate myself so much. I have been burned in relationships more than a few times, and I felt God urging me that it was time to open myself up to others more. I realized that in order to really live, I needed to make myself more available to the people God put in my life. Terrifying, for sure, when my greatest fear is another betrayal. But God has brought me to a place of absolute brokenness in the past few months, and I realize, so often, when life reaches a detour, I tend to shut myself off from others. I feel like they may not understand how we handle our misfortune and judge or hurt my family or me. At this juncture, I am not sure I care any more what people think. I love people and want real relationships, and I'm willing to pay the high price and leave myself completely open. I also know that this is what God requires of me to gain the healing I desperately need right now.

So here is my story...

In October, we received the happy news that we would be expanding our family! Having another baby was something God really put in my heart, because I was very happy with our family as it was. Most of you already know this, because Patrick was so excited he couldn't keep it to himself. This pregnancy has been easy...I didn't have morning sickness; just very tired. Every day that I woke up and wasn't sick, I praised God. I felt like He knew I have a pretty full plate in this season. To me, this baby has been a huge step of faith. In the natural, this does not look like the most perfect time to have a baby, but I took a leap, believing God has us and will never fail us. I felt God say to me that this was the child of His grace.

We had a perfect ultrasound on Oct. 26, which was almost 7 weeks along. Our nurse practitioner said the heartbeat was strong and the rate was perfect! So excited about our new little peanut. I still couldn't believe this was happening! We have been very blessed, because getting pregnant was never hard for us, and we have so many friends we've labored to pray for babies for them, and they still have empty arms and disappointed hearts. When I pray, they are heavy on my heart.

On November 20^th, I awoke and got Elijah and I ready for church. It was Sunday, and we went for both services. Still feeling good, I went to church and worshipped – a normal Sunday morning. I didn’t think anything of the mild cramps I was having – just a normal part of a growing baby! Before we packed up to leave, I went to the bathroom and found blood – like I had started a period. Which, at eleven and a half weeks of pregnancy was far from normal. From there, we rushed to the ER, and spent the following 7 ½ hours waiting for some news. We desperately asked our nearest and dearest for prayer, but there were few who knew what really was happening – many of you are finding out as you read this. After the longest day I’ve ever experienced, we finally got an ultrasound and saw our little baby. I knew, though I hoped I was wrong, that there was no heartbeat. It seemed almost like a bad dream - if I could just wake up… The ER doctor told me that 1 of 7 pregnancies end in miscarriage. I guess that was supposed to make me feel normal – like I hadn’t just suffered a huge loss. Heading home was a fog for me. The only thing I wanted was to hold my sweet Elijah – my precious gift. I treasure his gentle spirit even more now than ever. I hold him differently; knowing he is such a gift and it is my privilege to love him for a little while.

There is so much more to my story. A lot has happened in the weeks since our miscarriage, and I will share it all as I can. My prayer is, by putting my heart and life out in the open, God will bring healing to my heart, and to the hearts of those who have walked this painful journey. His grace is enough!