For the days when I need to be reminded to STAND

God spoke this so clearly in my heart this morning, and I am sure that I'm not the only one that needs encouragement to persevere when the pressure is on.  I felt I should share it, as it was such a precious gift to me.  Read and be encouraged to fight for your miracle!

The control issue in another does not negate my validity or make me less significant. My Father's banner over me is love and he is the one whose seal of approval validates my life and purpose. (Song of Solomon 2:4) No one else has the ability to make me feel inferior, UNLESS I allow them to. Today, I choose to believe ONLY the truth and rise above the oppression of the enemy as it comes in like a flood. MY GOD will raise up a standard against them. (Isa.  59:19)  He will take the "offense" on my behalf and strike the first blow into the enemy's ranks. He throws down the gauntlet in challenge to an enemy that comes ill-equipped to a battle against, not me, but the Most High God. The victory is the Lord's, and because I am His, it is mine also. HE will fight for my cause, as he brings glorious victory. (Deut. 20:6) And as for me...I will STAND my ground; I will dig my heels hard into the power of his word, and I will wait on the victory in His time. (Eph. 6:13) The thing I MUST do is refuse to give up, because I know full well the answer to my heart's cry. His promises are "yes" and "amen" when I walk in his victory.   (2 Cor. 1:20) May he stir up a righteous indignation against the enemy's schemes to steal that which is mine.  (Jn. 10:10)

Devil, you can't have it. I know who I am, and I know WHOSE I am. What was promised to me is yours no longer. You no longer have authority to place fear and doubt in a heart that is sure of its promises. I am confident of this:  I will see the goodness of The Lord in the land of the living. (Ps. 27:13)

May The Lord make my roots run deep in his word and in the power of his majesty. Make me verdant and strong. May my life arise as a testament of your faithfulness, and may you be sole recipient of all glory that is due you.

This is my proclamation of your love and faithfulness for this day.

A Tree of Life

I have a little catching up to do, as I’ve had a lot happening over the last couple of months.  So, I got a gift card for my favorite store from a friend for my birthday a few months back.  I was so excited to go shopping, and I finally got the chance to go one day.  I was trying to be a savvy shopper and get the most I could for my gift card, but still get things that would add to our home.  This isn’t something I’m able to do very often, so it really lifted my spirits to think about getting something to brighten the house.  After way too much deliberation, I finally decided on a painting and a metal sculpture of a tree, and I brought them home, so excited to share them with my hubby.  I told him about the awesome deal I got and showed him my finds.  I told him I didn’t really know why I chose everything in trees, but I thought they really added something to the house.  He reminded me of a verse that we’ve been hovering around lately in our family, Proverbs 13:12 “Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but a longing fulfilled is a tree of life.”  I hope that we are moving to the “tree of life” part of that verse.  At least in my heart, I’m looking to a season of things moving in a more positive direction, even if it is only in my perspective. 

I think my perspective shift started a couple of months ago when a dear friend gave me a copy of One Thousand Gifts by Ann Voskamp.  She said it was a hard read, but a life changer if you let it.  It’s been a slow read, and I can honestly say I’m still reading, but its truth has permeated my spirit, and changed the way I live.   The basic premise of the book is, in order for us to be fully alive and experience true joy, we have to start in the same place that Christ always began: thanksgiving.  There is beauty in the everyday, if we will just look for it with hearts of gratitude.  I have begun a journey of searching out those gifts that God puts in my path that I so commonly overlook.  I’m seeking to live with my hands open to receive and to give those precious things that are so often taken for granted.  I have found by looking up and seeking out the thankfulnesses that surround me, my entire perspective has changed.  Even more than that, when trials come, I am seeking hard in those things to find the beauty that God has hidden in it for me to find.  If I go through trial by fire, and find the gratitude in my heart to thank the One who is bringing me through it, my eyes are no longer looking at the circumstances, and I begin to find joy though the pain. 

One of the biggest things that has resonated in me with this book is “Thanksgiving always precedes the miracle.”  Without giving too much away, she discusses how, before Jesus worked a miracle while on earth, he always gave thanks to the Father, and thus a miracle ensued.  I am believing for miracles in my life right now, for that “longing fulfilled” that Proverbs speaks of, and instead of focusing on my want or lack, I’m choosing to focus on all the incredible gifts I’ve already been given.  Even though the current path is a huge variance from what I had hoped, I am thankful that grace abounds, even in this season.

That doesn’t mean that everything is perfect…as we near the time to try again for our hearts’ desire, I constantly battle my mind, my fear, my own doubt.  I have to almost convince myself to want to try again, as fear and doubt have squelched the desire that was so prevalent a year ago.  And in this moment, like so many just like it, I begin to count gifts.  I make lists – I tweet them, Facebook them, write them on sticky notes and stick them to the red wall around the metal sculpture of the tree I bought.  When I doubt His goodness, I look at all of the gifts in my life, and I am reminded of His faithfulness, and, yes:  His grace.  Even if things don’t go the way I want the next time, does that mean that His grace has left me?  Absolutely not!  It means I have to look hard and search for it, but He has by no means left me, or forgotten me, or been caught by surprise.  I refuse to let the enemy take the full life that is rightfully my inheritance. 

The challenge for me, and all of us, is to live with eyes to seek out the gifts in what appears to be a mess, and know that our God is in the business of making something beautiful out of it.  Everyday, He is doing the extraordinary if we will just see it.  Pick up the lenses of grace with me, and see what God is doing in your life and in mine.  Count the gifts he is giving and live fully! 

Out of Control

Recently, my life has undergone yet another unexpected trial. I can’t believe it, but only three months after my miscarriage, we had become “accidentally” pregnant. It was one of those things I just knew from the week we conceived. I knew something was up, and I’ve been down this road enough times, I know what those subtle signs I was feeling mean. I even had the conversation with hubby that there was a good possibility that I was probably pregnant. So, I took a pregnancy test on Valentine’s Day, of all days, and it was slightly positive, but positive enough that I knew it was right. I told Patrick, and though it was unexpected, we were elated that God had seen fit to surprise us with a precious gift. I had been determined that the devil would not win this time, and so from conception, I started to bathe this unknown, uncertain child in prayers of protection, covering, and destiny. I didn’t let my feet touch the floor every morning before I put on the whole Armor of God. I spoke to the things that were not as though they were. On February 15^th, I took another test, expecting a stronger positive, but the line was actually lighter that day. I thought it was a fluke, though it did leave me a little deflated. The next day, another test, a negative result – no line at all this time, but a late cycle still. Finally, five days late, the cycle ended with the start of a period – classifying this one officially as a “chemical pregnancy”, a pregnancy that miscarried early enough that most women wouldn’t have even known they were pregnant…I did.

Though, Patrick reassured me that I probably just shouldn’t have bought store brand tests, and that it was a false positive – 2 false positives - I knew in my heart, that whatever the test that I had been facing, there was still more that I hadn’t learned the last time. I knew that I had definitely been pregnant, because I have such strong symptoms from the very beginning.

Backtracking a bit, on Valentine’s night, I had two very vivid dreams, one after the other. I tend to pay attention to dreams like these because God sometimes chooses to speak to me through dreams…probably because I won’t shut up and listen unless I’m unconscious. The first one was disturbing enough. It depicted me once again having another miscarriage, farther along this time, but another loss, nonetheless. This I could have just dismissed as fear, but the next dream, and the strong message that came with it sealed it as my message from God. In this dream, I was driving my car, and while sitting in traffic, a scary looking thug came and opened my car door, pushed me to the passenger seat of my car and took off with me still in the car. He didn’t even offer to let me out before stealing my car! I was terrified in the dream. Completely surprised, and defenseless. But even as I sat in the passenger seat, I desperately tried to escape as he careened like a maniac down the highway. I sat there futilely pushing every button on the door of the car – windows, door locks, everything – of course, nothing worked. But I realized in a moment it wasn’t the car he wanted, and that dream wasn’t about my car – it was about my very life, and the life I so desperately desired to carry. The message I heard so clearly as the dream came to an end, was “If you would have let Me drive this wouldn’t have happened, because the Thief can’t steal from me. As long as you’re driving, there is nothing to stop Him from stealing everything.” God has used this powerful symbolism with me once before, so I’m familiar with the car symbolizing my life. The one who is driving symbolizes the one in control of my life, and the thief represents the devil himself. After praying over this, the Lord showed me even more, that, as long as I am in control of my life, there is nothing He can do to stop the devil from stealing the gifts He gives me. I was powerless to stop the thief from getting in the car in my dream, and was also powerless to stop the devil from sabotaging what could have been a beautiful blessing.

The root of the issue really lies with me. Like the children of Israel, wandering in the desert, I am constantly tested by the Lord to stretch my faith, and time and again, I doubt God’s ability to take care of my need or situation. So instead of relinquishing everything to Him, I “take care” of my valuables, those most precious things that I don’t trust Him with. I know that, throughout my life, monuments of His provision and faithfulness stand in testament that I should trust Him, but I always justify my control by saying, “But this is different. You’re too busy, and might forget. I’ll just keep it for myself.” What these moments testify to is my largest character flaw (that I know of right now, anyway!) that I don’t truly believe with gut-wrenching conviction that God is worthy of my trust to deliver…to save… to provide… to heal…to work miracles. I have contained Him, and in so doing, have made myself an easy target to be victimized by the thief. If I would’ve given Him control in the first place, the thief would have never even made an attempt to steal. It really is true when Jesus said, “Whoever finds his life will lose it, and whoever loses his life for my sake will find it.” Mat. 10:39. If I had let God have control of all the areas of my life, who knows how differently things might be right now?

The lesson I take away from this is that His strength is way bigger than I can credit Him, and I need to get out of the way and let Him drive. Instead of stuffing my frustration because things aren’t going “my way”, I need to lay aside my concern and give it to the One who can actually do something to change my situation. Instead of working myself into a stressed-out fit because my life doesn’t look the way I “planned” it to, I need to rip up the plan and get in the passenger seat and enjoy the ride. I am sure the real surprise will come to me when we arrive in a better place than I could’ve imagined, anyway. This sounds great in the metaphoric sense, but the hard work comes in living it out. It means for me, taking a moment when things make me crazy, to run to God with it, and throw it on Him. This means walking away from the stressful situation, either literally or mentally, and letting Him have, not only my emotions, but also the whole situation. When people don’t do what I think they need to do, it means examining my character and determining why it bothers me, then repenting for MY flaws, and surrendering the result to God. More and more, I see that I really have no control over anything, and I’m only shortening my life, and making myself miserable by taking ownership of too much of the end result. Moment by moment I live, running to Him with all that I have. Joys, sorrows, frustrations, desires, and disappointments - they belong to my Jesus, who has shoulders strong enough to bear the weight, and a mind to see the big picture. I’m willing to make myself a sacrifice in order to see real joy in my life – clearly that’s what He wanted when he said, “Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls.” Mat. 11:28-29

Whether all of this hard work will reward me with a healthy pregnancy and child, I don’t know. And I have to come to the place where it doesn’t matter. When all that matters is letting God have control of my WHOLE life, then I will be living in the fullness that He originally planned out for me, and in His fullness, there is peace and grace and joy. It does not depend on how many children or miscarriages, or pain, or hurt. He has to be ENOUGH.

Packing Up

Today I'm feeling a little sentimental...I've been cleaning up and packing things away that we don't use, which means cleaning out closets! Packing away clothes too small made me realize how quickly Elijah is growing up. The bassinette is waiting to be put into storage; a tub of little clothes waits to be put away. Today was, for some reason, the most bittersweet. I was cleaning the kitchen and decided to go ahead and give the high chair a really good scrubbing. Realizing my growing baby is full of independence, I know he doesn't need the high chair any more, so I put it with the things to go into storage. For some reason, that was the hardest.

I think I had planned on leaving it in the house until we had another baby, but with that plan changing, and being very much out of my grasp right now, I have to move on with life. So putting away the high chair is, for me, acceptance of a detour in my plan and realizing that God has something different for our family for right now. I have to daily surrender my plan and relinquish my disappointment. My new goal in this season is making the most of where He has us, and learning all that I can. That doesn't mean burying my struggle; on the contrary, it means embracing what I'm learning and opening my heart to whatever may be next. I know full well that I'm not the one in charge, and I am daily reminded of that through this journey. I am at His mercy. Thankfully, I know that His mercy will be enough and His plan will be fulfilled - even when I have to pack my plans up and put them away. Sometimes, that's what it takes for God to start unpacking and move in to completely take over.