Saving Grace

My dear husband has asked me to share my thoughts on his life changing decision, to give our journey from my perspective. And there is much to share. 

   
It is with great trepidation that I share my thoughts. Not because they are wrong, but because I want my heart to be truly heard. I share this for the other spouses who walk my same path. It is something that isn’t talked about, and it’s time for you to know you aren’t alone. 

Perhaps for those of you that don’t live life this way, my story will help you understand so many things you never knew. 

When I met my husband over 14 years ago, he was a big man. It was never an issue for me. Maybe it made me feel safer-it’s always been important to him that I be kept safe, and that I understand his self-proclaimed job is to provide that safety. It is one of myriad things that I love about him. I could name a million!

When he made the decision the time had come for weight loss surgery, it struck fear in my heart. Since our insurance specifically excludes bariatric surgery, even when deemed medically necessary, the only viable option was to go out of the country.  With that decision, came a million unknown questions and uncertainties. He did his research, talked to people who had it, watched videos, joined support groups, and I...I just continued with daily life. I listened, supported, and pretended it wasn’t happening.  I suppose it was denial. But when it began to get real-plane tickets purchased, surgery date was set, hotel reservations made-my battle began. I daily fought back the enemy, and the lies he told me-whispering that I’d come back alone, have to raise the children alone-terrible lies! But the truth of the matter is this: worry is but the notion that God’s Love ends, and I know that He loves me utterly. He is faithful, true, and honors an obedient heart. So, I prayed. I surrendered to His plan-whatever it may look like- and believed He loves me enough. He is enough. When I reached my end, He found me, and He’s never left. 

So, the day came for us to leave. It was such a blur. We arrived in San Diego, were picked up by the hospital shuttle with other patients, and were ferried over the border. We arrived at the hospital, and were treated with great care and hospitality. I began to feel more at ease when I saw how clean everything was, and how much pride everyone there took in the work they were doing. 

They did the preliminary blood work, blood pressure check, and EKG to make sure everyone’s heart was strong enough for surgery. My Love came back concerned when his blood pressure was high. He was worried they wouldn’t do the surgery. 

We met with the business guy, the surgeon’s brother, Hugo, who took our payment, and I explained that I needed to get this man safely back home. I showed him a picture of our littles, and told him they need their daddy to come back home to them. Perhaps a little dramatic, but I can’t explain in words how much of my world this man comprises.  He is my ministry. While he ministers to and loves on countless people, it’s my job to love my warrior when the day is long and has asked too much of him. 

Still battling uncertainty, we went to see the cardiologist next. He asked about his blood pressure situation, and Patrick explained that he (mistakenly) thought he was supposed to leave off meds as part of his preparation. So the cardiologist gave him blood pressure meds to take that night and the next morning. He said that as long as the pressure came down with meds, we were still good to go. So meds were given, blood pressure was rechecked, and a green light given.  He was beyond relieved and so excited. I was still concerned about the arrangements made for breathing during surgery. So, when we met the doctor, Patrick asked the question that was burning in my mind: Would they intubate during surgery?  And the answer was yes!  So, now I knew he wasn’t likely to suffocate during surgery. Great relief washed over me.  I wasn’t sure if I was excited or ready to hide in a corner. Whether he had the surgery or not, I still ran the risk of losing him, so I just had to lean back and trust the One who has my back. This was really happening. 

We got him prepped and ready, and the nurses came to get him. It was time!!  So I walked with him to the elevator, blew him a kiss, and told the nurses to make sure they brought him back safe. I gave them the “I’m watching you,” eyes, trying to keep it light. But as I turned to walk back to the hospital room alone, I knew I was utterly helpless to do anything from here. 

Really, though, isn't that how we're supposed to be...utterly helpless...resting on our El Shaddai...trusting that the heart big enough to love the whole world, loves us enough to bring back our whole world safely?  I have to remember His love for me is unending. And He didn't bring us here for His love to end in Tijuana, of all places!

For the next 40 minutes, I tried in vain to reach out and let close family and friends know that he had gone to surgery to no avail. Service was spotty and there was no cell signal. I had only my Jesus to stand with me, His faith applied with mine, knowing whether I told them or not, loved ones were storming the gates in prayer on our behalf. And His incomprehensible peace surrounded me. He is always enough. 

The longest three hours of my life ensued, as I sat and waited. And prayed. And waited. And just when I was about to start pestering people and asking questions, they rolled him back to the room!  I’ve never been so happy to see anyone!  My faithful Father had returned my groggy, precious husband. Seems I was the only one who ever battled the thought in the back of my mind that he might have anything but perfect results.  I sent word to everyone that surgery was a success with no complications. The response was overwhelming.  Our faith-filled friends and family fully believed that the surgery would go no less than perfectly. 

For three days, I watched him, determined to make a strong recovery. He got up after surgery and walked like he was supposed to. So groggy, he walked with his eyes closed, and I walked beside, praying he didn’t lose his balance and fall. And he never did. He remained strong through constant nausea, dry heaving every time he would get up and walk.  Daily, he continued to get stronger and work through his healing process. I saw intentionality. He made himself get up and walk, probably more than he’s walked in so long I can’t remember. 

You see, it happened so slowly, so silently and gradually, his weight took so much from us that I didn’t see it. It was there all along, but I never sat with critical eye looking for what had changed or what we were missing. It was my job to pick up the loose ends and make things work. And that’s what I’d been so busy doing all these years that I never saw the enemy stealing life from us all.  I prayed, I supported, I made sure he had the foods for his diets. Many times, well meaning people would ask me why I didn't make him lose the weight.  But, he’s a grown man who had to make his own decisions.  He'd vowed many times before to lose weight and get healthy, but anyone who's ever dieted or made a lifestyle change knows it's difficult to walk out for the long haul.  So, the change never stuck.  It didn't mean his heart wasn't in the right place, and it has never been my place to judge-only to love and pray.  

I have found in marriage a praying wife can change far greater things than a nagging wife.  Does it make the struggle any easier to take when you see a problem, but are powerless to change it?  Of course not!  I fought the daily battle to love in spite of the strain his weight put on me, to not become bitter when I didn't see change after years of prayer, to continue to struggle in daily life as my own body began to cave under the stress and demand I placed on it.  There wasn't time to care for myself as I took care of our growing little family.  I daily reminded myself of the mantra that I'd believed every day of married life, "Love is a choice, not a feeling."  A choice is a commitment you stick with, long after the feeling under which you made the commitment is gone.  Not that I ever stopped loving him - I never will.  But, there were many days I had to choose first to love him, because I was fighting my own bitterness and anger over this place in which we had become stuck.  Many nights, I prayed over my own heart and my marriage, as I had believed the lie that nothing would ever change.  Little did I know the winds of change were stirring, and life was about to take a drastic turn!

I sat at the hospital two nights after the surgery messaging a friend whose husband had the surgery a few months ago, receiving her words of wisdom from the other side of the journey, and I started to catch a vision of what the future may look like. In that moment, I saw...I remembered all of the things that we couldn’t do, or had to do differently because of obesity. 

I dream of the day when we go to a restaurant and don’t have to say “a table, not a booth”. A day when he will be able to go on a bike ride as a family, to go to Disney World and be able to ride all the rides as a family, to not worry about him sitting in a chair and it breaking because it wasn’t “structurally sound”. To be able to play with the children, to travel and fly and not have to ask for a seatbelt extender and take up over half of my seat, to not be so messy in the bathroom, because he can’t see where he’s aiming (just being totally real), for him to be able to get up and get things for himself, to help the children when they need things, to help me at home when I’m already exhausted and have to come home and take care of everything because he’s too tired to help...I’m about to cry...I’m overwhelmed when I think of how much this has stolen from us-from me-over the years...and it’s reign is ending in Jesus’ name!! 

I think, in this new season, I will live in a place of incredulous disbelief. I hope to be constantly pleasantly amazed. I’m very excited for a lot of things. 14 years is a long time to live life this way. I fell in love with him as a big man, but it got way beyond that. It took over our entire lives. There have been many, many things we haven’t been able to do over the years. 

 I have always loved him just as he is, but it has been recently that the Lord has allowed me to see how limited our life has been, and I hope to see the limits removed. I dared not dream of anything different. I’ve learned to be content in all things, but I’m surely excited for what’s to come!