Don’t Become Weary

With the start of school and the crazy schedule that it mandates, it’s been so hard to find a few moments of quiet (when I’m not exhausted!) to update our journey. So, I guess it works out that I can’t sleep, as it gives me some time to think about all of the good happening in our family lately. 

With school starting back, it has made me acutely aware of how very limited I am in my self-proclaimed super power to be able to do everything. I am in the very humbling and necessary place of having to ask for help. I have to say that this year has been different in many ways thus far. When I ask, Patrick is pretty agreeable in helping out. I see him getting up to get things and taking care of things the kids need while I’m busy working on dinner. A few months ago, I would have been scrambling to try to get what my little person needed while trying desperately not to burn my sauce!  My heart is overwhelmed at times. It sounds so silly to say, but I’m seeing him with new eyes. Not being so quick to judge that he isn’t going to help when I ask, or default to doing everything myself (to my own undoing and bitterness), and finding myself completely inadequate to keep all the plates spinning. I see him taking care of errands, picking up things I need when I’m super short on time. He’s usually very supportive of me getting in exercise regularly, and takes care of the kids’ needs while I do what I need to take care of myself. Unfortunately, I learned the hard lesson over the last few years that if you take care of everyone but yourself, you eventually become unable to take care of anyone. It’s been a long journey to come to this understanding, but I’m so thankful that Patrick can help me practically in finding my way back out of that season. 

The last few months have been so much more than simply being physically able to help more, it has been a learning, for both of us, that often, the heart in which you do something makes so much difference to the person on the receiving end of your kindness. When his heart is to help without it feeling like a dreadful inconvenience to him, it truly speaks love to me. And the more he’s able to walk in this heart transformation, this loving in actions and attitude, the greater my appreciation and love grow daily. 

I’m seeing him do things and be things to our family that I’ve prayed and asked for, for years. Galatians 6:9 says it well, 

“Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up.”  I love a good harvest!  I know years of bitterness I had to deal with turned me into a monster toward him at times, and I’m so thankful for grace and forgiveness, from a loving Heavenly Father and from the man He made to walk with me. But, there isn’t enough to say about the good that comes in harvest. And that’s where we stand now.  It’s truly a daily miracle unfolding before my eyes. 

If there is something you’ve been holding on for, I encourage you to persist, to pray, and release what you think it should look like. Our God is faithful and creative. Your answer may not look exactly as you think it should, but I can promise you this: it will be far better than you could ever dream it to be. 

Six Weeks - So Many Changes

Oh em geeee!  It's been over two weeks, you guys!  Life has been so busy!  In a short amount of time, we've had a birthday, and an epic party to celebrate it at a waterpark, a pastor's conference, VBS, lots of swimming, planted flowers, welcomed a dear friend (or two) to stay with us, as well as a mother-in-love simultaneously, and a bunch of other things, all while watching my dear husband melt away like an ice cream cone on a hot summer sidewalk! 

I have to go back a bit so I can chronicle for you all of the changes happening daily.  Patrick weighed in at 439.5 at the six week mark on Thursday; a post surgery weight loss of 52.5 pounds in that time.  There have been some incredible changes in the past two weeks since my last update.  He's had me put his wedding band away for safe keeping for awhile, until he reaches what will be his final, maintainable size.  It became so loose that it was in danger of falling off.  He still wears the brand of the ring creased into his finger.  14 years, which we celebrate on Tuesday, is a long time for the skin to remember, and it isn't quickly forgetting!  He, of course, wants to get a tattoo on his finger.  We shall see...

One of the most exciting things, to me, is included in the pictures today.  At the four week mark, he was so tired of taking the ground up blood pressure meds (they tasted pretty awful) that he asked me if he could please skip it one night.  The next day, without any meds taken in over 24 hours, he used my mom's blood pressure machine with an extra large cuff to check his blood pressure.  It was the lowest I've ever seen, with or without medication, for as long as I've known him!  As long as we've been together, he has needed medication to stay in a normal range with his blood pressure.  Even then, it was still a little high, but this...this was astounding!  I was told by the doctor and his staff at the hospital that within a month, he would no longer need blood pressure meds.  The timing was about right, but it left me no less incredulous that this was actually happening.  From the time we arrived at the hospital in Mexico, his BP had reached the highest I'd ever seen for him, and continued to be above even his normal.  And here we were, four weeks from surgery, and his blood pressure was in the normal range.  I'm beyond excited about his results so far!

He's been able to start wearing lots of shirts that he hasn't worn in a very long time.  It's so encouraging to see.  His energy levels seem to be increasing.  He doesn't seem to need the daily nap every day now, that was such a necessary part of his healing in those first weeks.  He is less frequently forgetting things or losing his train of thought as he did in the early days, as well. 

His struggle to stay hydrated is getting easier.  He's found some dissolvable electrolyte tablets that he puts in his water daily, and works hard to finish his large cup of water by day's end.  He's also added some sugar free popsicles to his daily regimen, that really helps with liquid intake.  I don't worry so much about him not getting enough liquid now, or the many complications that can arise from regularly not getting enough to drink.  He is finding his balance. 

One challenge that has arisen with feeling better is the simple remembering to be slow and intentional about eating.  He needs to adjust his bite size to less than half of what he's used to, and chew food until it's almost the consistency of a puree.  The better work he does of chewing, the easier the work of digesting is for his stomach.  He's still having trouble being mindful when he eats.  He's not eating too much, as he adjusts his portion size of food to the correct amount when he fixes his plate.  He's truly just eating too fast, and that makes him not feel very well for awhile after he eats.  He is being intentional about making adjustments to how he eats his portions, and I know he won't make this mistake much more.  This journey is a learning one, and there has to be grace for the learning.  I'm thankful he hasn't made himself physically sick.  He didn't feel well for awhile, but improved fairly quickly.

Yesterday, we were running errands at Sam's Club, and stopped to get the kids something to eat at their cafeteria.  We all sat down together at the fixed seat benches while the kids ate.  He looked at me, smiling, and said, "I was able to sit down, and the bench doesn't move."  This was huge!  He's always had trouble sitting at tables where the benches don't move, and he didn't have a bit of trouble sitting with us that day.  We were able to sit together, face to face, and talk for a few minutes while the kids had lunch.  What a precious moment, that wouldn't have been possible a few months ago.

Today, though...today came the moment that has me undone.  Before I tell you today's pinnacle, I have to give a little background info.  When we bought Patrick's truck (that he absolutely loves), the seatbelt was too small.  So, my one condition for buying the truck was that he had to be able to wear a seatbelt, so I purchased a seatbelt extender for him before he even brought the truck home.  He put it in the buckle and it has stayed there since he got the truck.  Now, with that piece of information, let's head back to today.  He went to my mom's with Zoe while I stayed home and let the baby finish out her nap.  We were finishing up dinner at home, and he FaceTimed me when he was about to be on the way home.  He held something up to me...it was his seatbelt extender...his seatbelt was securely buckled, without the need for the extender!  This...this reduced me to a speechless puddle of tears, standing at the island in the kitchen.  I took in deep breaths of God's goodness as I stood staring at the screen, tears rolling down my face.  This victory came on the heels of a somewhat personally draining few days for me.  It was a breath of fresh air to a heart that ached with the hurts of living in an incredibly human world, where rejection seeks to find you when no one else is looking for you.  Quick words without thought offer wounds to the quick of the heart, and offense stands ready to pounce and weigh me down.  It can make me tired to walk through these thick times where I have to constantly cast off offense and rejection, choosing life, trust, joy, and faith in God's goodness within the hearts of people.  But this--this victory right here--it was breath of life in my lungs.  It brought joyous refreshing to my soul.  He is a good, good Father, and His timing is impeccable.  Everyday His faithfulness abounds to us in immeasurable, heaping buckets of graceful goodness.  And.  I.  Am.  Undone.

Worry and Purses

So, my purse strap broke last night. I love this purse. It’s not old. But I have this problem of carrying a million things in my purse all the time. It weighs me down. It probably compounds the issues I already have with my shoulder. My whole life is in there. I carry things for my husband and kids constantly. I can never find what I need because there is so much junk in there. People who know me well, know if you need something, I’ll have it in my purse most of the time. If you’re a mom, you know my struggle. I don’t even know how half of the stuff in there even got there.

There was a moment last night that God showed me such a simple thing-an inconvenience really-can have Devine implications. For especially women, we have large hearts of compassion. We want to help people. We are nurturers, caretakers. It’s part of our calling, and it’s one way that God’s DNA is reflected through us. We display a facet of our Creator through our caring, nurturing predisposition.

God reminded me last night that the problem arises when the enemy lies to us and gets us to believe that we aren’t doing enough. He leads us into erroneous thinking that somehow we need to take on burdens that aren’t ours to bear to begin with. Just like my purse, we go through life picking up other people’s stuff and putting it in our “purse”, taking it upon ourselves, under the guise that we will “just pray for them” or “it’s the least we can do”. All the while, the enemy is filling our bag with hurts that aren’t ours, offense for ourselves and others, anger over another’s injustice, and slowly, he steals-our joy, our song, our life- from us. As the too full purse weighs me down and makes my shoulder hurt,making it difficult for me to do what I’m created to do, carrying heavy burdens takes our focus off of the most important things we are each uniquely called to do.

Do we still care for people? Of course. But we have to define healthy boundaries, especially where taking up offense and hurt are concerned. It’s our job to point loved ones in the direction of true Freedom, not try to be their savior. It’s our pride that places us here. The enemy appeals to our Wonder Woman complex that says we can do it all, but ultimately, we are finite beings who serve an infinite God. Our true strength comes when the proverbial purse strap breaks, and we leave the whole bag at the feet of Jesus-the One who came to bear all of our burdens-knowing full well that He can handle our load as well as the ones of eight billion other precious souls. 

In I Peter 5:7, it says “Cast your cares on him, because He cares for you.” The original language for the word “cast” there is the word ephirhippto, which means to “throw away like trash.” I think the thing that really struck me is that Christ wants us to disregard those things that are weighing down. If I throw something away, it’s because it no longer has a viable use in my life. On trash day, you don’t see many people running out to the curb to grab last week’s pizza box so they can carry it around with them all day. But I know I’m not the only one who does this: you prayerfully place something in the arms of Jesus, trusting him to take care of it, only to find yourself worrying about it later. As we worry, we have gone back to the Savior and ripped the situation out of His hands. Worry is believing that God’s Love ends. By worrying about and striving with our problems, we are telling our Lord that we don’t believe He can handle it—that, perhaps, His Love isn’t big enough to reach us in our situation. And there is NOTHING more contrary to the truth!

So, if you’ve stayed with me on my purse story this long, the most important tenet I believe I’m supposed to leave you with is the following: “That’s not my burden.” When you’re tempted to take up that which isn’t yours, speak truth to that lie. Remind yourself, as well as the enemy of your soul, that you aren’t the burden bearer, and it’s not your call to fix everybody. I have to say it to myself all the time, “This is not my burden.” It’s your job to be the light to help them find their way back to the path for those who may have gotten lost. 

Jesus promises us that His yoke is easy and His burden is light. So, if you’re feeling like it’s just too much to bear lately, it might just be time for you to lighten your load and let Him carry your broken purse for awhile.

So, my purse strap broke last night. I love this purse. It’s not old. But I have this problem of carrying a million things in my purse all the time. It weighs me down. It probably compounds the issues I already have with my shoulder. My whole life is in there. I carry things for my husband and kids constantly. I can never find what I need because there is so much junk in there. People who know me well, know if you need something, I’ll have it in my purse most of the time. If you’re a mom, you know my struggle. I don’t even know how half of the stuff in there even got there.

There was a moment last night that God showed me such a simple thing-an inconvenience really-can have Devine implications. For especially women, we have large hearts of compassion. We want to help people. We are nurturers, caretakers. It’s part of our calling, and it’s one way that God’s DNA is reflected through us. We display a facet of our Creator through our caring, nurturing predisposition.

God reminded me last night that the problem arises when the enemy lies to us and gets us to believe that we aren’t doing enough. He leads us into erroneous thinking that somehow we need to take on burdens that aren’t ours to bear to begin with. Just like my purse, we go through life picking up other people’s stuff and putting it in our “purse”, taking it upon ourselves, under the guise that we will “just pray for them” or “it’s the least we can do”. All the while, the enemy is filling our bag with hurts that aren’t ours, offense for ourselves and others, anger over another’s injustice, and slowly, he steals-our joy, our song, our life- from us. As the too full purse weighs me down and makes my shoulder hurt,making it difficult for me to do what I’m created to do, carrying heavy burdens takes our focus off of the most important things we are each uniquely called to do.

Do we still care for people? Of course. But we have to define healthy boundaries, especially where taking up offense and hurt are concerned. It’s our job to point loved ones in the direction of true Freedom, not try to be their savior. It’s our pride that places us here. The enemy appeals to our Wonder Woman complex that says we can do it all, but ultimately, we are finite beings who serve an infinite God. Our true strength comes when the proverbial purse strap breaks, and we leave the whole bag at the feet of Jesus-the One who came to bear all of our burdens-knowing full well that He can handle our load as well as the ones of eight billion other precious souls. 

In I Peter 5:7, it says “Cast your cares on him, because He cares for you.” The original language for the word “cast” there is the word ephirhippto, which means to “throw away like trash.” I think the thing that really struck me is that Christ wants us to disregard those things that are weighing down. If I throw something away, it’s because it no longer has a viable use in my life. On trash day, you don’t see many people running out to the curb to grab last week’s pizza box so they can carry it around with them all day. But I know I’m not the only one who does this: you prayerfully place something in the arms of Jesus, trusting him to take care of it, only to find yourself worrying about it later. As we worry, we have gone back to the Savior and ripped the situation out of His hands. Worry is believing that God’s Love ends. By worrying about and striving with our problems, we are telling our Lord that we don’t believe He can handle it—that, perhaps, His Love isn’t big enough to reach us in our situation. And there is NOTHING more contrary to the truth!

So, if you’ve stayed with me on my purse story this long, the most important tenet I believe I’m supposed to leave you with is the following: “That’s not my burden.” When you’re tempted to take up that which isn’t yours, speak truth to that lie. Remind yourself, as well as the enemy of your soul, that you aren’t the burden bearer, and it’s not your call to fix everybody. I have to say it to myself all the time, “This is not my burden.” It’s your job to be the light to help them find their way back to the path for those who may have gotten lost. 

Jesus promises us that His yoke is easy and His burden is light. So, if you’re feeling like it’s just too much to bear lately, it might just be time for you to lighten your load and let Him carry your broken purse for awhile.

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