A New Thing...Part I

It’s been about 6 months since the last time I visited and shared, and I know the story that God has been writing in me, is not just for me, and so I share because I hope my story will speak life and truth to someone. 

Six months ago, I was in a place of not understanding why I was asking and seeking God for the desires of my heart and they continued to go unanswered month after month.  We had started trying to have a second child a year before.  I had an incredibly painful miscarriage at 12 weeks…utter heartbreak.   Unexpectedly, we got pregnant again about four months later, and again I lost the baby – this time, even earlier.  We decided to wait awhile before trying again.  End of summer comes, and we start trying.  This time, for the first time ever, I’m doing everything right, and can’t even get pregnant.  Many dear friends have stories with long bouts of infertility, but that has never been an issue with us.  So after a couple of months, I knew something was up, and again began to seek God about what else was going on.  I realized that I was coming to a new broken place.  As though my heart hadn’t broken enough after a year of dashed hope, God again brought me back to this place.  I sought Him hard – harder than I’d ever sought before.  Harder than I did in the lonely days after the miscarriages…when He taught me the hard lessons about being thankful in ALL things…when I learned that ALL is GRACE.  Even the things that we don’t fully understand. 

I prayed a dangerous prayer – and I meant every word. 

I told God that no longer was I seeking Him for just a baby…I was seeking to find HIM – to know WHY there seemed to be a divide between us, after the journey we had made together in the past year.  He had walked with me through the sorrow, had been closer than my skin, and now I couldn’t understand what else I needed to close the gap between us.  I prayed the desperate prayer of David from the Psalms:

Search me, O God, and know my heart:  try me, and know my thoughts:

And see if there be any wicked way in me.”

Psalm 139:23-24

I wept.  I really let go of my agenda. I got no answers that night as I prayed in the shower.  I just felt empty…like part of me had died.  I went to bed exhausted, and awoke the next morning…feeling exactly the same.  The heaviness lay on me like a thick blanket.  I repeated my heart to God.  My decision hadn’t changed.  Whether He gave me another child or not, I would seek Him hard.  So I got up and went to work.  Somewhere in the course of that morning, God spoke.  Having been strangely silent through my sorrow, in the midst of my busy morning at work, He told me the hard truth that I wasn’t prepared for until that day. 

He showed me that as a young teenager, I had made a vow that I’d never have an only child, because I so hated being an only child myself.  I never realized the grave truth of Proverbs 18:21 “The tongue has the power of life and death, and those that love it will eat its fruit.”  By making that judgement and vow, I had predestined myself to become that which I had promised to never be…the mother of an only child.  I knew I had to repent from my rash judgements, and break that vow.  It held me where I was and was choking the life out of me.  I prayed.  I asked for forgiveness.  I took it all back.  God forgave.  He broke the power of my thoughtless words.  He gave me incredible peace, that I cannot describe. 

Then His grace stepped in.  He showed me that, though my own sin held me captive for years, He allowed me to have a beautiful little boy, who is brilliant and amazing.  He let me see that he allowed those pregnancies, so that He could get to the real brokenness within me…and, in His infinite grace and love for me, He spared me from having the many miscarriages I could have had, by allowing a season of infertility.  It isn’t very often that we get to see the mind of God…to understand, in such a limited way, His great love for us, and the purpose for our pain in this life.  For this I am thankful.  Thankful that, that day in September, he sealed a work in me, and began a new work.  He gave peace that He was not finished with me, but that my story was just getting started… 

Now it springs up; do you not perceive it?  I am making a way in the wilderness and streams in the wilderness.

Isaiah 43:19

For the days when I need to be reminded to STAND

God spoke this so clearly in my heart this morning, and I am sure that I'm not the only one that needs encouragement to persevere when the pressure is on.  I felt I should share it, as it was such a precious gift to me.  Read and be encouraged to fight for your miracle!

The control issue in another does not negate my validity or make me less significant. My Father's banner over me is love and he is the one whose seal of approval validates my life and purpose. (Song of Solomon 2:4) No one else has the ability to make me feel inferior, UNLESS I allow them to. Today, I choose to believe ONLY the truth and rise above the oppression of the enemy as it comes in like a flood. MY GOD will raise up a standard against them. (Isa.  59:19)  He will take the "offense" on my behalf and strike the first blow into the enemy's ranks. He throws down the gauntlet in challenge to an enemy that comes ill-equipped to a battle against, not me, but the Most High God. The victory is the Lord's, and because I am His, it is mine also. HE will fight for my cause, as he brings glorious victory. (Deut. 20:6) And as for me...I will STAND my ground; I will dig my heels hard into the power of his word, and I will wait on the victory in His time. (Eph. 6:13) The thing I MUST do is refuse to give up, because I know full well the answer to my heart's cry. His promises are "yes" and "amen" when I walk in his victory.   (2 Cor. 1:20) May he stir up a righteous indignation against the enemy's schemes to steal that which is mine.  (Jn. 10:10)

Devil, you can't have it. I know who I am, and I know WHOSE I am. What was promised to me is yours no longer. You no longer have authority to place fear and doubt in a heart that is sure of its promises. I am confident of this:  I will see the goodness of The Lord in the land of the living. (Ps. 27:13)

May The Lord make my roots run deep in his word and in the power of his majesty. Make me verdant and strong. May my life arise as a testament of your faithfulness, and may you be sole recipient of all glory that is due you.

This is my proclamation of your love and faithfulness for this day.

A Tree of Life

I have a little catching up to do, as I’ve had a lot happening over the last couple of months.  So, I got a gift card for my favorite store from a friend for my birthday a few months back.  I was so excited to go shopping, and I finally got the chance to go one day.  I was trying to be a savvy shopper and get the most I could for my gift card, but still get things that would add to our home.  This isn’t something I’m able to do very often, so it really lifted my spirits to think about getting something to brighten the house.  After way too much deliberation, I finally decided on a painting and a metal sculpture of a tree, and I brought them home, so excited to share them with my hubby.  I told him about the awesome deal I got and showed him my finds.  I told him I didn’t really know why I chose everything in trees, but I thought they really added something to the house.  He reminded me of a verse that we’ve been hovering around lately in our family, Proverbs 13:12 “Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but a longing fulfilled is a tree of life.”  I hope that we are moving to the “tree of life” part of that verse.  At least in my heart, I’m looking to a season of things moving in a more positive direction, even if it is only in my perspective. 

I think my perspective shift started a couple of months ago when a dear friend gave me a copy of One Thousand Gifts by Ann Voskamp.  She said it was a hard read, but a life changer if you let it.  It’s been a slow read, and I can honestly say I’m still reading, but its truth has permeated my spirit, and changed the way I live.   The basic premise of the book is, in order for us to be fully alive and experience true joy, we have to start in the same place that Christ always began: thanksgiving.  There is beauty in the everyday, if we will just look for it with hearts of gratitude.  I have begun a journey of searching out those gifts that God puts in my path that I so commonly overlook.  I’m seeking to live with my hands open to receive and to give those precious things that are so often taken for granted.  I have found by looking up and seeking out the thankfulnesses that surround me, my entire perspective has changed.  Even more than that, when trials come, I am seeking hard in those things to find the beauty that God has hidden in it for me to find.  If I go through trial by fire, and find the gratitude in my heart to thank the One who is bringing me through it, my eyes are no longer looking at the circumstances, and I begin to find joy though the pain. 

One of the biggest things that has resonated in me with this book is “Thanksgiving always precedes the miracle.”  Without giving too much away, she discusses how, before Jesus worked a miracle while on earth, he always gave thanks to the Father, and thus a miracle ensued.  I am believing for miracles in my life right now, for that “longing fulfilled” that Proverbs speaks of, and instead of focusing on my want or lack, I’m choosing to focus on all the incredible gifts I’ve already been given.  Even though the current path is a huge variance from what I had hoped, I am thankful that grace abounds, even in this season.

That doesn’t mean that everything is perfect…as we near the time to try again for our hearts’ desire, I constantly battle my mind, my fear, my own doubt.  I have to almost convince myself to want to try again, as fear and doubt have squelched the desire that was so prevalent a year ago.  And in this moment, like so many just like it, I begin to count gifts.  I make lists – I tweet them, Facebook them, write them on sticky notes and stick them to the red wall around the metal sculpture of the tree I bought.  When I doubt His goodness, I look at all of the gifts in my life, and I am reminded of His faithfulness, and, yes:  His grace.  Even if things don’t go the way I want the next time, does that mean that His grace has left me?  Absolutely not!  It means I have to look hard and search for it, but He has by no means left me, or forgotten me, or been caught by surprise.  I refuse to let the enemy take the full life that is rightfully my inheritance. 

The challenge for me, and all of us, is to live with eyes to seek out the gifts in what appears to be a mess, and know that our God is in the business of making something beautiful out of it.  Everyday, He is doing the extraordinary if we will just see it.  Pick up the lenses of grace with me, and see what God is doing in your life and in mine.  Count the gifts he is giving and live fully! 

Out of Control

Recently, my life has undergone yet another unexpected trial. I can’t believe it, but only three months after my miscarriage, we had become “accidentally” pregnant. It was one of those things I just knew from the week we conceived. I knew something was up, and I’ve been down this road enough times, I know what those subtle signs I was feeling mean. I even had the conversation with hubby that there was a good possibility that I was probably pregnant. So, I took a pregnancy test on Valentine’s Day, of all days, and it was slightly positive, but positive enough that I knew it was right. I told Patrick, and though it was unexpected, we were elated that God had seen fit to surprise us with a precious gift. I had been determined that the devil would not win this time, and so from conception, I started to bathe this unknown, uncertain child in prayers of protection, covering, and destiny. I didn’t let my feet touch the floor every morning before I put on the whole Armor of God. I spoke to the things that were not as though they were. On February 15^th, I took another test, expecting a stronger positive, but the line was actually lighter that day. I thought it was a fluke, though it did leave me a little deflated. The next day, another test, a negative result – no line at all this time, but a late cycle still. Finally, five days late, the cycle ended with the start of a period – classifying this one officially as a “chemical pregnancy”, a pregnancy that miscarried early enough that most women wouldn’t have even known they were pregnant…I did.

Though, Patrick reassured me that I probably just shouldn’t have bought store brand tests, and that it was a false positive – 2 false positives - I knew in my heart, that whatever the test that I had been facing, there was still more that I hadn’t learned the last time. I knew that I had definitely been pregnant, because I have such strong symptoms from the very beginning.

Backtracking a bit, on Valentine’s night, I had two very vivid dreams, one after the other. I tend to pay attention to dreams like these because God sometimes chooses to speak to me through dreams…probably because I won’t shut up and listen unless I’m unconscious. The first one was disturbing enough. It depicted me once again having another miscarriage, farther along this time, but another loss, nonetheless. This I could have just dismissed as fear, but the next dream, and the strong message that came with it sealed it as my message from God. In this dream, I was driving my car, and while sitting in traffic, a scary looking thug came and opened my car door, pushed me to the passenger seat of my car and took off with me still in the car. He didn’t even offer to let me out before stealing my car! I was terrified in the dream. Completely surprised, and defenseless. But even as I sat in the passenger seat, I desperately tried to escape as he careened like a maniac down the highway. I sat there futilely pushing every button on the door of the car – windows, door locks, everything – of course, nothing worked. But I realized in a moment it wasn’t the car he wanted, and that dream wasn’t about my car – it was about my very life, and the life I so desperately desired to carry. The message I heard so clearly as the dream came to an end, was “If you would have let Me drive this wouldn’t have happened, because the Thief can’t steal from me. As long as you’re driving, there is nothing to stop Him from stealing everything.” God has used this powerful symbolism with me once before, so I’m familiar with the car symbolizing my life. The one who is driving symbolizes the one in control of my life, and the thief represents the devil himself. After praying over this, the Lord showed me even more, that, as long as I am in control of my life, there is nothing He can do to stop the devil from stealing the gifts He gives me. I was powerless to stop the thief from getting in the car in my dream, and was also powerless to stop the devil from sabotaging what could have been a beautiful blessing.

The root of the issue really lies with me. Like the children of Israel, wandering in the desert, I am constantly tested by the Lord to stretch my faith, and time and again, I doubt God’s ability to take care of my need or situation. So instead of relinquishing everything to Him, I “take care” of my valuables, those most precious things that I don’t trust Him with. I know that, throughout my life, monuments of His provision and faithfulness stand in testament that I should trust Him, but I always justify my control by saying, “But this is different. You’re too busy, and might forget. I’ll just keep it for myself.” What these moments testify to is my largest character flaw (that I know of right now, anyway!) that I don’t truly believe with gut-wrenching conviction that God is worthy of my trust to deliver…to save… to provide… to heal…to work miracles. I have contained Him, and in so doing, have made myself an easy target to be victimized by the thief. If I would’ve given Him control in the first place, the thief would have never even made an attempt to steal. It really is true when Jesus said, “Whoever finds his life will lose it, and whoever loses his life for my sake will find it.” Mat. 10:39. If I had let God have control of all the areas of my life, who knows how differently things might be right now?

The lesson I take away from this is that His strength is way bigger than I can credit Him, and I need to get out of the way and let Him drive. Instead of stuffing my frustration because things aren’t going “my way”, I need to lay aside my concern and give it to the One who can actually do something to change my situation. Instead of working myself into a stressed-out fit because my life doesn’t look the way I “planned” it to, I need to rip up the plan and get in the passenger seat and enjoy the ride. I am sure the real surprise will come to me when we arrive in a better place than I could’ve imagined, anyway. This sounds great in the metaphoric sense, but the hard work comes in living it out. It means for me, taking a moment when things make me crazy, to run to God with it, and throw it on Him. This means walking away from the stressful situation, either literally or mentally, and letting Him have, not only my emotions, but also the whole situation. When people don’t do what I think they need to do, it means examining my character and determining why it bothers me, then repenting for MY flaws, and surrendering the result to God. More and more, I see that I really have no control over anything, and I’m only shortening my life, and making myself miserable by taking ownership of too much of the end result. Moment by moment I live, running to Him with all that I have. Joys, sorrows, frustrations, desires, and disappointments - they belong to my Jesus, who has shoulders strong enough to bear the weight, and a mind to see the big picture. I’m willing to make myself a sacrifice in order to see real joy in my life – clearly that’s what He wanted when he said, “Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls.” Mat. 11:28-29

Whether all of this hard work will reward me with a healthy pregnancy and child, I don’t know. And I have to come to the place where it doesn’t matter. When all that matters is letting God have control of my WHOLE life, then I will be living in the fullness that He originally planned out for me, and in His fullness, there is peace and grace and joy. It does not depend on how many children or miscarriages, or pain, or hurt. He has to be ENOUGH.

Packing Up

Today I'm feeling a little sentimental...I've been cleaning up and packing things away that we don't use, which means cleaning out closets! Packing away clothes too small made me realize how quickly Elijah is growing up. The bassinette is waiting to be put into storage; a tub of little clothes waits to be put away. Today was, for some reason, the most bittersweet. I was cleaning the kitchen and decided to go ahead and give the high chair a really good scrubbing. Realizing my growing baby is full of independence, I know he doesn't need the high chair any more, so I put it with the things to go into storage. For some reason, that was the hardest.

I think I had planned on leaving it in the house until we had another baby, but with that plan changing, and being very much out of my grasp right now, I have to move on with life. So putting away the high chair is, for me, acceptance of a detour in my plan and realizing that God has something different for our family for right now. I have to daily surrender my plan and relinquish my disappointment. My new goal in this season is making the most of where He has us, and learning all that I can. That doesn't mean burying my struggle; on the contrary, it means embracing what I'm learning and opening my heart to whatever may be next. I know full well that I'm not the one in charge, and I am daily reminded of that through this journey. I am at His mercy. Thankfully, I know that His mercy will be enough and His plan will be fulfilled - even when I have to pack my plans up and put them away. Sometimes, that's what it takes for God to start unpacking and move in to completely take over.

Not for the Faint of Heart

Do we really trust God to be faithful to His promises?

Even when life takes a detour, our posture and realization must be that we aren’t deserving of any good thing, but it is because of our Father’s grace that He withholds no good thing from us. It is because of His mercy that He withholds the punishment we truly deserve. When disappointments come, the real goal of our heavenly Father is to break our hearts completely so that He can get at the part of us that we hide from everyone. That is the part that needs healing – the part that changes us when we allow Him to touch it. But it’s that part of us that we don’t want him to touch.

I expected a baby from my pregnancy, but God had a different plan. He desired to use the pregnancy as an avenue to reach the part of me that I was holding in hiding – my brokenness. I had a long journey to reach the point of understanding this...

I think that I was in shock after we got the official word of our miscarriage. I went home and got Elijah and I ready for bed, like I normally would. After lying in bed for hours, trying to go to sleep, and running the events of the day through my head a million times, I finally slept a few precious hours. Awaking to the alarm, I got up and dressed for work, like any normal day. I thought pretending like nothing happened would make me feel normal. “If I can just stay busy with the kids today,” I thought as I walked out the door. And it worked, for a while. Even when my dear husband brought me flowers to ease my pain, I held it together. I couldn’t let the kids see me cry…

I had gotten some insight from precious friends who had already gone down this road before me, and I was told to prepare for things to get worse. And they were right. That night, I lay on the couch and timed contractions, as my body prepared to deliver my hope deferred. I went to bed and awoke just before one, as the contractions became too great to sleep through. I revisited my Lamaze breathing as the pain increased and I moved from the bathroom to the bedroom floor, trying to find the most comfortable position. I stayed quiet. Thankfully, my husband had fallen asleep on the couch, and my sweet boy was sound asleep as well. I was allowed the dignity to go through this alone. Around 2:15 AM, I sat in the bathroom, clutching the side of the tub with white knuckles. Between contractions, I prayed. Even in that moment, as I sat in a cold sweat, about to pass out; I felt His presence. Just when I thought I couldn’t handle any more, my water broke, and the contractions stopped. This is definitely the part of miscarriage that makes the loss most painful – all the work of labor, and nothing to show for it, except a mess. Freezing cold, I cleaned up as best I could, got Patrick, and went to bed, trying desperately to get warm. I slept awhile, and bolted out of bed at 4:45 and ran to the bathroom, feeling something was wrong. It was then that I delivered the remnants of the pregnancy. It was over. The pregnancy had started so normally, yet I never would have guessed that it would end this way. I showered and had time to paint my nails before I went to work that day. Strangely, that simple act – painting my nails – made me feel somewhat normal.

I give such great detail of my experience because I feel that women often feel so alone through a miscarriage, and are ill-prepared for what they will experience. My prayer is that through my frank honesty, that it will help at least one person know they aren’t alone.

I don’t pretend to know why this happened to our family, or why it happens to anyone, but I do know that my God is faithful and good. He has never left me, and continues to heal my heart through this painful experience. I know that, because I have allowed it, my heart is more open, and I have a freedom that I’ve never known before. He has filled me with a confidence that only comes through complete transparency with Him.

I have learned that when disappointment comes – and it will come - if I allow God to touch my pain and heal my heart, He is glorified in a new way in my life. He is able to heal my heart if I surrender my hurt to Him.

Grace Is Enough

I start this post having a lot to say, so I may have to break this up. Over the past few months, I've had some serious highs and lows. I feel like I should give a little background, in order for this to serve its true purpose.

I started this blog a few months ago, after God really putting it on my heart to start sharing the things He had put in me. So, really this blog was created before I was truly inspired as to what I should write about. I just knew that God had spoken, and I started this. Nothing more. The amazing thing is that He knew I would need this long before I did.

I had come to a place of needing to contribute more to others, and not isolate myself so much. I have been burned in relationships more than a few times, and I felt God urging me that it was time to open myself up to others more. I realized that in order to really live, I needed to make myself more available to the people God put in my life. Terrifying, for sure, when my greatest fear is another betrayal. But God has brought me to a place of absolute brokenness in the past few months, and I realize, so often, when life reaches a detour, I tend to shut myself off from others. I feel like they may not understand how we handle our misfortune and judge or hurt my family or me. At this juncture, I am not sure I care any more what people think. I love people and want real relationships, and I'm willing to pay the high price and leave myself completely open. I also know that this is what God requires of me to gain the healing I desperately need right now.

So here is my story...

In October, we received the happy news that we would be expanding our family! Having another baby was something God really put in my heart, because I was very happy with our family as it was. Most of you already know this, because Patrick was so excited he couldn't keep it to himself. This pregnancy has been easy...I didn't have morning sickness; just very tired. Every day that I woke up and wasn't sick, I praised God. I felt like He knew I have a pretty full plate in this season. To me, this baby has been a huge step of faith. In the natural, this does not look like the most perfect time to have a baby, but I took a leap, believing God has us and will never fail us. I felt God say to me that this was the child of His grace.

We had a perfect ultrasound on Oct. 26, which was almost 7 weeks along. Our nurse practitioner said the heartbeat was strong and the rate was perfect! So excited about our new little peanut. I still couldn't believe this was happening! We have been very blessed, because getting pregnant was never hard for us, and we have so many friends we've labored to pray for babies for them, and they still have empty arms and disappointed hearts. When I pray, they are heavy on my heart.

On November 20^th, I awoke and got Elijah and I ready for church. It was Sunday, and we went for both services. Still feeling good, I went to church and worshipped – a normal Sunday morning. I didn’t think anything of the mild cramps I was having – just a normal part of a growing baby! Before we packed up to leave, I went to the bathroom and found blood – like I had started a period. Which, at eleven and a half weeks of pregnancy was far from normal. From there, we rushed to the ER, and spent the following 7 ½ hours waiting for some news. We desperately asked our nearest and dearest for prayer, but there were few who knew what really was happening – many of you are finding out as you read this. After the longest day I’ve ever experienced, we finally got an ultrasound and saw our little baby. I knew, though I hoped I was wrong, that there was no heartbeat. It seemed almost like a bad dream - if I could just wake up… The ER doctor told me that 1 of 7 pregnancies end in miscarriage. I guess that was supposed to make me feel normal – like I hadn’t just suffered a huge loss. Heading home was a fog for me. The only thing I wanted was to hold my sweet Elijah – my precious gift. I treasure his gentle spirit even more now than ever. I hold him differently; knowing he is such a gift and it is my privilege to love him for a little while.

There is so much more to my story. A lot has happened in the weeks since our miscarriage, and I will share it all as I can. My prayer is, by putting my heart and life out in the open, God will bring healing to my heart, and to the hearts of those who have walked this painful journey. His grace is enough!